Christmas is upon us, and I have to say I lust after this season. I love this season.... Lust and love are not always related to sex. Even envy is not always a bad thing, it is only when envy becomes jealousy, because envy can be a driving factor. If we envy others who have nice things, then we might work harder to get them for ourselves, but if we are jealous, we might be a lower person, doing things that make regret or diminish us.
So I let love flow as much as I can, and there is so much still there that I don't have but I know I need......
I am happy for the most part, but until I can let love and lust flow freely and get fulfilled, then I will not be really myself, and not really happy.
Some things need to run wide open....
But one day I feel as if everything I want will eventually come.
Like waiting for Christmas, it does eventually come.....
Tuesday, December 19, 2006
Monday, November 13, 2006
I love my wife's body. Her tits are still perky, I love the nipple size, and one is a B and one is a C, so I have my choice... Her pussy has great definition, and clit is classic standard. Childbirth gave her more of an ass and some hips. She was a stick before that, and we fit together well.
Sadly, she has allowed pains to put her on the couch and get depressed, so she complains about pain all the time, but does little to fight and push past it. I have pain as well but I work through it, fight past it. She lays on the couch and that only makes things worse. When we do make love it is for 1/4 to 1/2 hour, and once she gets one nut it's over. granted it is good for straight missionary, but I like to eat pussy for an hour minimum to just get started. I like sex to last about two hours at least. I don't get what I need in time or positions.... so it never fully satisfies. My other aspects of sexuality are things like dancing, tenderness and massage and touch, and caressing, and it just ain't there. I like to sleep holding each other, entwined, and let arousal be met with satisfaction in quickies then. Then I like it to wake up to each other, and that can be a half hour. Six times a year just don't cut it. There is no excuse for that unless it is deathbed.
The other thing is bringing bullshit into the bedroom that just doesn't belong there. The bedroom is the place for peace and healing and connection, not to bring the fights and disagreements and angers and resentments from bullshit aspects of life. You can pollute the bedroom with that. That is where companionship has an effect of love, lovemaking, and lust. Lust on one level requires love to be functioning untainted and unhindered, and when it is it makes you happier, more fulfilled, and stronger. That heals things, fixes things and what is wrong in others and yourself.
Ripple by The Grateful Dead comes to mind... maybe my favorite Dead song....
Funny how so many songs say things people love to hear but never practice.... the ideal is easier to visualize and attain than that actual realization I guess.
I think if you can dream it, you can make it happen.
Sadly, she has allowed pains to put her on the couch and get depressed, so she complains about pain all the time, but does little to fight and push past it. I have pain as well but I work through it, fight past it. She lays on the couch and that only makes things worse. When we do make love it is for 1/4 to 1/2 hour, and once she gets one nut it's over. granted it is good for straight missionary, but I like to eat pussy for an hour minimum to just get started. I like sex to last about two hours at least. I don't get what I need in time or positions.... so it never fully satisfies. My other aspects of sexuality are things like dancing, tenderness and massage and touch, and caressing, and it just ain't there. I like to sleep holding each other, entwined, and let arousal be met with satisfaction in quickies then. Then I like it to wake up to each other, and that can be a half hour. Six times a year just don't cut it. There is no excuse for that unless it is deathbed.
The other thing is bringing bullshit into the bedroom that just doesn't belong there. The bedroom is the place for peace and healing and connection, not to bring the fights and disagreements and angers and resentments from bullshit aspects of life. You can pollute the bedroom with that. That is where companionship has an effect of love, lovemaking, and lust. Lust on one level requires love to be functioning untainted and unhindered, and when it is it makes you happier, more fulfilled, and stronger. That heals things, fixes things and what is wrong in others and yourself.
Ripple by The Grateful Dead comes to mind... maybe my favorite Dead song....
Funny how so many songs say things people love to hear but never practice.... the ideal is easier to visualize and attain than that actual realization I guess.
I think if you can dream it, you can make it happen.
Sunday, July 23, 2006
I discuss lust and love, and what lies between. We lust for everything in a way. There can be a lust for food or for material things or for feelings or the people that make those feelings. The objects may be different, but lust is simply strong desire, want. It isn't need. We confuse the two, and therein lies the problem. We can love or hate what we lust after. We can not lust after what we love. I think that is marriage sometimes, rather sex in marriage, hahahahaha.
But someone living a healthy life can place these things in perspective. That ability to have perspective is what heals even more so than if you have love in your life or not. That is at least where I am lucky.
I love my wife, but don't have lust for her as I once did because she doesn't allow love to flow like it should, and puts conditions on love. So I resent that, and it steals part of my happiness because where lust and love work together they are not allowed to work naturally as I'd like them to, so the needs I have for what I lust for and love still work on me to be filled, and since I'm at a dry well I look for where my thirst can be quenched. But as a man of honor it isn't just drinking dirty water blindly. I have the dignity, out of love for myself and sense of honor, to only drink what I really like, and what I know will taste best, and I only take small sips, just enough not to die from being parched.
And I think this happens in so many relationships, and that people get so thirsty for love that they drink anything, and do so in ways that are hurtful to their mates and themselves. Some people, many people will drink anywhere even when they have something to drink, and will drink in who is bad for them. I have the good sense to know myself and what is right and wrong there. That, to me, is cheating. You can't call it theft when a starving man takes a loaf of bread, but it is dirty when a fat one takes a truckload. Again we are back at perspective, and judgment.
But that is where morality comes in. I have had too much self-denial in my life, and wasted too much of my life without what I need to be healthy and happy. At a point of someone keeping from you what you need, especially when it is by design, well, at first you have a duty to work on it, but after a time you are justified in getting what you need, and yes there is a promise in any committed relationship, but when one fails to meet the needs of another, or give love, then that contract is already broken. The obligation gets mitigated.
Now I stay because I love my wife, but mostly for my son, because I know without me he will hurt and suffer and she will crash and burn. I need to get my family out of Jacksonville and to somewhere where people are still generally decent to each other. My wife also knows that I I see sexuality and lust as different and not contingent upon love and marriage, not meaning that we should be running around like wild sluts, but that those aspects should be treated on two levels. If I had a high level of passion and love out of her there would seldom be an urge to have my eye wander and think in lustful terms, but when I don't get the love comforts and needs for tenderness and companionship filled, those other needs get compounded, and there is only so much alone a man like me can take before he is either an empty shell or so sad as to be hopeless and worthless to himself or others.
I shouldn't have to make love and still have desires unfulfilled, or not have passion. There should be a hunger in lovemaking where there is suppose to be love. In that there should be a lust, a hunger and craving, a need for the one you love, and I still have that, but do see it shown to me, and that is more hurtful than if my wife was a good lover and companion to me and came and said she loved someone else.... that is what cheating is to me. When you are cheated out of what or how things should be.
In that way I never cheat. I understand the lustful craving associated with love. I recognize the general sexual lust. The second one I can dent, but the first one lacking wears upon my soul. A wife or husband to someone should be providing that, and when they don't part of you slowly dies, so it is like a transfusion to get that elsewhere when you really need it, and you have a duty to inform the person you are getting it from on what terms love and lust are being shared.
It is funny how easily and accepting and good a casual relationship on stated terms like that can be. I guess because the expectations are clear, and responsibilities as well. The best can reside without the bags or chains.
Love should set you free....
But someone living a healthy life can place these things in perspective. That ability to have perspective is what heals even more so than if you have love in your life or not. That is at least where I am lucky.
I love my wife, but don't have lust for her as I once did because she doesn't allow love to flow like it should, and puts conditions on love. So I resent that, and it steals part of my happiness because where lust and love work together they are not allowed to work naturally as I'd like them to, so the needs I have for what I lust for and love still work on me to be filled, and since I'm at a dry well I look for where my thirst can be quenched. But as a man of honor it isn't just drinking dirty water blindly. I have the dignity, out of love for myself and sense of honor, to only drink what I really like, and what I know will taste best, and I only take small sips, just enough not to die from being parched.
And I think this happens in so many relationships, and that people get so thirsty for love that they drink anything, and do so in ways that are hurtful to their mates and themselves. Some people, many people will drink anywhere even when they have something to drink, and will drink in who is bad for them. I have the good sense to know myself and what is right and wrong there. That, to me, is cheating. You can't call it theft when a starving man takes a loaf of bread, but it is dirty when a fat one takes a truckload. Again we are back at perspective, and judgment.
But that is where morality comes in. I have had too much self-denial in my life, and wasted too much of my life without what I need to be healthy and happy. At a point of someone keeping from you what you need, especially when it is by design, well, at first you have a duty to work on it, but after a time you are justified in getting what you need, and yes there is a promise in any committed relationship, but when one fails to meet the needs of another, or give love, then that contract is already broken. The obligation gets mitigated.
Now I stay because I love my wife, but mostly for my son, because I know without me he will hurt and suffer and she will crash and burn. I need to get my family out of Jacksonville and to somewhere where people are still generally decent to each other. My wife also knows that I I see sexuality and lust as different and not contingent upon love and marriage, not meaning that we should be running around like wild sluts, but that those aspects should be treated on two levels. If I had a high level of passion and love out of her there would seldom be an urge to have my eye wander and think in lustful terms, but when I don't get the love comforts and needs for tenderness and companionship filled, those other needs get compounded, and there is only so much alone a man like me can take before he is either an empty shell or so sad as to be hopeless and worthless to himself or others.
I shouldn't have to make love and still have desires unfulfilled, or not have passion. There should be a hunger in lovemaking where there is suppose to be love. In that there should be a lust, a hunger and craving, a need for the one you love, and I still have that, but do see it shown to me, and that is more hurtful than if my wife was a good lover and companion to me and came and said she loved someone else.... that is what cheating is to me. When you are cheated out of what or how things should be.
In that way I never cheat. I understand the lustful craving associated with love. I recognize the general sexual lust. The second one I can dent, but the first one lacking wears upon my soul. A wife or husband to someone should be providing that, and when they don't part of you slowly dies, so it is like a transfusion to get that elsewhere when you really need it, and you have a duty to inform the person you are getting it from on what terms love and lust are being shared.
It is funny how easily and accepting and good a casual relationship on stated terms like that can be. I guess because the expectations are clear, and responsibilities as well. The best can reside without the bags or chains.
Love should set you free....
Monday, June 12, 2006
Emotions are so often cause for great confusion, and confusion can lead to so many problems for so many people. I am lucky in a way because I understand my own emotions fairly well. I try to be honest with my emotions and what motivates me and why. I am also humble about my own humanity, but can be arrogant about my own views. I think I am because I actually do understand my place in the world.
Things in life are often more simple than we make them or allow them to be. Right is right and wrong is wrong, and while most things have shaded areas that include both, a choice between right and wrong is easy to make if you can sacrifice selfishness. The type of selfishness I mean does not mean doing things without any self interest, but in having real and sincere consideration for others and what is right and wrong.
People sometimes don't or won't take a stand on some really critical things in life, or take real responsibility, but instead choose the easy paths or try to avoid accountability or risk. This is true in everything from war to bigotry to relationships to fighting injustice. The easy path may avoid involvement in aspects of life that require some work or loss at times, but if you have a conscience you can't escape the easiest path is sometimes the one that might first appear the hardest.
This is true in relationships, where real honesty is stated but seldom really expressed. We all keep so many secrets from the people we say are the ones closest to us. Now there is a right and room for some secrets, but is that really being a mate to someone? Is it so hard to just lay your entire soul wide open to someone? Can they love you enough to accept you completely for all your faults and shortcomings? What is real betrayal, and what is real honesty?
I am married to someone to whom I can't tell my deepest desires and dreams and feelings, because she will twist them and use them to attack me. That is sad to me, but I made the choice to marry her hopeful that the relationship would evolve so she could accept me with my views on love and sex and life.
Now I am not conventional. I don't think being locked into having sex with one person forever and ever is normal or right for me. I don't go out and look for lovers, but it feeling spark I don't think to deny them is healthy either, and neither would I deny any lover the experience of love with another. I think if you are in true deep love with a lifemate and companion that you can allow those excursions and they will only wind up enhancing your life together because there is no temptation to run away for something you can have so freely, so even the desire for it is less because it isn't denied forbidden fruit anymore. And if you can share it, even better. I live without that, but wish I didn't have to, and that there was freedom, but that is more of a socital thing.
So what lies between love and lust, and shouldn't both be allowed to be healthy experiences that just flow. We are a culture so hung up and self-denied and have made sex so secret and dirty that we have not only inhibited sexuality, but the love and life pleasures that go with it. That repression spills over int a sense of frustration that bleeds with violence and other sicknesses that keep us from real progression.
She lets life shit in, and allows it to take away from her happiness, which steals happiness I need from me, so I search for it elsewhere. Most real cheating happens because people hold out and back on each other and have false expectations from each other. I am so much more free but am so hurt by the repression around me, and it makes me sad inside that I can't live and be how I know I really am inside. In simple terms, with a really healthy fedelity based relationshoip externals aren't even thought about because you wind up caught up in too much happiness to have the time or inclination.
I think our urges are there for a reason, and when we have them we should fill them. If we did, we wouldn't feel starved and eat when we shouldn't. There should be a comfort level there. I think sex is like a check valve designed to bring fulfillment and release pressure, so if you don't answer it and repress it you make your own anxiety. If you don't have that, then when you love someone you can give them yourself unclouded. The tension aspects of it all tend to vanish.
So I know this much about myself. That not always, but mostly when I have desires that they need to be met, and right now I have to hide who and how I really am inside. That I am stuck with one woman who has the passion of a rock and repression of a guilty nun. I get nu-nu-nunone..... So that leaves me frustrated and bitter and angry, and I have to fight those emotions that would vanish if I had what I needed...
But there are things that supersede my own desires and needs, that are my real rewards, like raising my son. I am devoted to him and trying to make a good life for him and teach him, but I see my wife's head trips hurting him, making him more angry as he realizes her problems and excuses, and him eventually being mean and defiant because of her. I can't stop it and she won't listen. She has problems with depression and her addiction to her medication that are both killing and destroying her, and she refuses to admit or even discuss the possibility that she might be wrong about a damn thing. So there will be no changes until she hits the wall.
My son will have anger and defiance and anxiety as a phase, but as he matures he will find a path out of it because of what I have already taught him that he just has to see for himself.
He clings to being a child because of the environment we live in here... this town and these people, who, to me, are substandard and ill. This society is sick, and I am glad that he is in conflict with it.
He has so many of my habits and values. I hope he sees and learns how to apply himself. My wife gives him escapes from responsibility that will hurt him and his education and chances, so I have to work at it all the time and find ways to compensate.
Meanwhile I am left alone, left as half a man because I don't have a lover/companion to partner to, and it isn't me at this point. I have tried everything from kind to mean to understanding to everything. I can't enable her sloth or depression any longer, so that transition will be difficult as well.
So I have to settle for spurts of lust every so ofter, and it isn't that often or often enough, to fill the gaps left by a lack of love, and that just sucks....
Things in life are often more simple than we make them or allow them to be. Right is right and wrong is wrong, and while most things have shaded areas that include both, a choice between right and wrong is easy to make if you can sacrifice selfishness. The type of selfishness I mean does not mean doing things without any self interest, but in having real and sincere consideration for others and what is right and wrong.
People sometimes don't or won't take a stand on some really critical things in life, or take real responsibility, but instead choose the easy paths or try to avoid accountability or risk. This is true in everything from war to bigotry to relationships to fighting injustice. The easy path may avoid involvement in aspects of life that require some work or loss at times, but if you have a conscience you can't escape the easiest path is sometimes the one that might first appear the hardest.
This is true in relationships, where real honesty is stated but seldom really expressed. We all keep so many secrets from the people we say are the ones closest to us. Now there is a right and room for some secrets, but is that really being a mate to someone? Is it so hard to just lay your entire soul wide open to someone? Can they love you enough to accept you completely for all your faults and shortcomings? What is real betrayal, and what is real honesty?
I am married to someone to whom I can't tell my deepest desires and dreams and feelings, because she will twist them and use them to attack me. That is sad to me, but I made the choice to marry her hopeful that the relationship would evolve so she could accept me with my views on love and sex and life.
Now I am not conventional. I don't think being locked into having sex with one person forever and ever is normal or right for me. I don't go out and look for lovers, but it feeling spark I don't think to deny them is healthy either, and neither would I deny any lover the experience of love with another. I think if you are in true deep love with a lifemate and companion that you can allow those excursions and they will only wind up enhancing your life together because there is no temptation to run away for something you can have so freely, so even the desire for it is less because it isn't denied forbidden fruit anymore. And if you can share it, even better. I live without that, but wish I didn't have to, and that there was freedom, but that is more of a socital thing.
So what lies between love and lust, and shouldn't both be allowed to be healthy experiences that just flow. We are a culture so hung up and self-denied and have made sex so secret and dirty that we have not only inhibited sexuality, but the love and life pleasures that go with it. That repression spills over int a sense of frustration that bleeds with violence and other sicknesses that keep us from real progression.
She lets life shit in, and allows it to take away from her happiness, which steals happiness I need from me, so I search for it elsewhere. Most real cheating happens because people hold out and back on each other and have false expectations from each other. I am so much more free but am so hurt by the repression around me, and it makes me sad inside that I can't live and be how I know I really am inside. In simple terms, with a really healthy fedelity based relationshoip externals aren't even thought about because you wind up caught up in too much happiness to have the time or inclination.
I think our urges are there for a reason, and when we have them we should fill them. If we did, we wouldn't feel starved and eat when we shouldn't. There should be a comfort level there. I think sex is like a check valve designed to bring fulfillment and release pressure, so if you don't answer it and repress it you make your own anxiety. If you don't have that, then when you love someone you can give them yourself unclouded. The tension aspects of it all tend to vanish.
So I know this much about myself. That not always, but mostly when I have desires that they need to be met, and right now I have to hide who and how I really am inside. That I am stuck with one woman who has the passion of a rock and repression of a guilty nun. I get nu-nu-nunone..... So that leaves me frustrated and bitter and angry, and I have to fight those emotions that would vanish if I had what I needed...
But there are things that supersede my own desires and needs, that are my real rewards, like raising my son. I am devoted to him and trying to make a good life for him and teach him, but I see my wife's head trips hurting him, making him more angry as he realizes her problems and excuses, and him eventually being mean and defiant because of her. I can't stop it and she won't listen. She has problems with depression and her addiction to her medication that are both killing and destroying her, and she refuses to admit or even discuss the possibility that she might be wrong about a damn thing. So there will be no changes until she hits the wall.
My son will have anger and defiance and anxiety as a phase, but as he matures he will find a path out of it because of what I have already taught him that he just has to see for himself.
He clings to being a child because of the environment we live in here... this town and these people, who, to me, are substandard and ill. This society is sick, and I am glad that he is in conflict with it.
He has so many of my habits and values. I hope he sees and learns how to apply himself. My wife gives him escapes from responsibility that will hurt him and his education and chances, so I have to work at it all the time and find ways to compensate.
Meanwhile I am left alone, left as half a man because I don't have a lover/companion to partner to, and it isn't me at this point. I have tried everything from kind to mean to understanding to everything. I can't enable her sloth or depression any longer, so that transition will be difficult as well.
So I have to settle for spurts of lust every so ofter, and it isn't that often or often enough, to fill the gaps left by a lack of love, and that just sucks....
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